FEDERAL DEFICIT IS REALLY A SURPLUS
The General Accounting Office shockingly announced today that due to an inaccurately written procedures manual dating back to 1933, all bookkeeping entries have been written in reverse. The net result is that what was previously believed to be a nine hundred billion dollar deficit is in actuality a nine hundred billion dollar surplus. When asked how he could have possibly overlooked such a boneheaded error, the President replied, “Don’t ask me. We’re not the party that’s been in power all these years. If it had been us in office, there really would be a deficit and we wouldn’t be in this embarrassing position.”
POLICE OFFICER’S PATROL CAR STOLEN AT DOUGHNUT STAND
While purportedly on his coffee break, a Seattle police officer’s patrol car was stolen out of a Winchell’s parking lot while he was inside ordering. When asked why he left the keys in the car and the engine running, the office replied, “I always do. Normally I’m only gone a minute or so, but that morning I just couldn’t decide between a glazed and a jelly-filled.” When asked if any employees got a description of the car thief, a spokesman for the department said, “We don’t know yet. We can’t get them to stop laughing.”
ABSTRACT ART REVEALED AS PAINTER’S DROP CLOTH
After hanging prominently in the lobby of the state legislature building for two years, it was revealed yesterday that the most expensive painting ever purchased by the county art commission was in reality the drop cloth used by construction painters who had painted the interior of the artist’s studio. “I used the drop cloth they left to wrap my painting in when I took it to have it framed,” explained the prominent abstractionist, “and I guess they framed the drop cloth by mistake.” Questioned by local critics of the county art commission, the owner of the frame shop simply stated, “Hey, I put the frame around what I thought was the best piece of art. I thought the other thing was a dirty tablecloth that got mixed in.” Several national art critics who had written rave reviews about the depth of feeling and style of the painting were unavailable for comment.
EXODUS OF WASHINGTON STATE RESIDENTS TO CALIFORNIA REPORTED
From a Los Angeles Times Special Report. An editorial in last Sunday’s edition complained of the recent influx of people moving to California from the state of Washington. The article pointed out that the freeways were already congested enough with Washington sending their surplus population down. Plus, it seems the recent normalization of California real estate prices has been reversed by ex-residents from the Washington city of Bellevue. In a recent interview, one Washington transplant stated, “I just love these low California prices. Why, I couldn’t have bought half this house in Bellevue or anywhere on Mercer Island. I’m calling all my friends to come down as soon as there are more expresso stands available.” The California governor is considering a citizen’s petition banning plaid shirts, grunge rock, and lattes, hoping this will stem the tide of immigrants from Washington.
BAD LUCK FOR THE BMW
A prominent local attorney illegally parked his 700 series BMW in a handicapped zone, only to come out later and find that he had a flat tire. Not knowing how to change the tire himself, and anxious to get it fixed before being cited, he offered $50 to the first burly-looking passerby he could find. The stranger did the work and then, to the cheers of other bystanders, promptly mugged the attorney, stealing his wallet and the car. Police report no leads so far and expressed little hope of recovering the stolen vehicle, but an unnamed spokesperson admitted they weren’t trying too hard.
APPEALS VERDICT, WINS LONGER SENTENCE
After three previous felony convictions for assault and battery, usually perpetrated on elderly women, Jake “Brass Knuckles” Owen was sentenced to an unusually long fifteen years in prison. His attorney appealed, claiming it was an inappropriate sentence. The appeals judge agreed, though not in quite the same manner. Outraged that this was the fourth conviction for the same crime, the judge stated, “Well counselor, you’re correct. This was an inappropriate sentence. It should have been twenty years behind bars.” And with that, the hapless prisoner was led off to serve his newly increased sentence.