Things You Can Say Once In Seattle – Bet You’ll Never Say These Again!

Surprised person with hand over mouth

I am seriously considering having my mouth surgically reduced in size to make it more difficult to put my foot in. I suppose an alternative would be to have my feet enlarged, though I suspect that’s a medical impossibility.

In any event, some sort of drastic action seems needed because more and more I find myself thinking, “Whoa, I’ll never say that again!”

What I’m referring to are those remarks we all occasionally make (or let slip out) that have negative repercussions far beyond what was intended.

To avoid repeating any of these remarks, I’ve been developing a list for myself. I call it “Things You Can Say Once.” Since I suspect I’m not the only one out there with this problem, I’d like to share some of the more painful remarks on my list so that you can learn from a master

If nothing else, I guarantee you won’t want to say any of them twice.

In no particular order, here is my selection of the best Things You Can Say Once.

Before arriving at the Herb Farm with out-of-town guests, a restaurant you’ve heard about but have never been to, “Dinner is on me.”

Crossing into Canada or Mexico, to any border crossing guard: “I’m a United States citizen. It’s none of your business what I have in my trunk.”

At a Seattle Seahawks home game, in the last two minutes of the fourth quarter when they are behind by three points: “Go Patriots!”

At the airport, to any uniformed guard: “Could you hold this package for me while I step outside for a minute?”

In the carpool lane during rush hour, to the police officer who just pulled you over for having only one person in the car: “What were you doing hiding behind that curve anyway? What’s the matter, did they run out of doughnuts at Winchells?”

In any big city downtown, to any taxi driver: “Get me to the airport as fast as you can!”

In any tavern on the wrong side of town, to the big guy sitting on the bar stool next to you: “Okay, fathead, what are you looking at?”

During a snowstorm, as you pass any stranded motorist, just before your chains break: “Serves you right, stupid. You ought to be more prepared to drive in weather like this.”

At the University of Washington Arboretum: “Excuse me, officer, where can I get some water for these flowers I just picked?”

On the phone, to your insurance company: “My sixteen-year-old just bought a Corvette. Add it to my policy and send me the bill.”

At any state fair, in the Modern Living exhibition hall: “I’ve always wanted to try out of these vibrating recliner chairs, Honey. Don’t worry, I can’t be talked into anything.”

On your job interview at Microsoft: “I’m really just looking for temporary employment until I can land a job at Google.”

At the Seattle Convention Center, when you unknowingly stumble across the Northwest Greenpeace convention: “Look at that crowd! Let’s stroll through and show off our new fur coats!”

At any ethnic restaurant: “Don’t tell me what anything is until after I eat. I want to try everything.”

This last remark, which I carelessly made recently at a restaurant in the International District, was the inspiration for my next list: “Things You Can Eat Once.”

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