For many years I’ve collected quotes that I felt were particularly good. Some are funny, some are sad, and some give good advice to live by. Of the thousands of quotes I’ve read over time, Only about 500 made it on my list of best ones.
Far and away, my favorite ones are the humorous ones. Here are what I consider to be the 25 funniest quotes of all time!
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
-Anon
She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.
-Better Midler
Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.
-Jim Rohn
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
-Will Rogers
We’re all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.
-Will Rogers
Now I know why they call that computer program ‘windows’. You get so frustrated you want to throw your computer out one.
-Gary Apple
Many people in congress are unhappy because they are underpaid, underappreciated, and under investigation.
-Gary Apple
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
-Mark Twain
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don’t care. At 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking about us at all.
-Jack Falkson
If the horse is dead, get off of it.
-Anon
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
-Winston Churchill
An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot.
-Rich Julius
A fool and his money are soon elected.
-Will Rogers
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
-Mark Twain
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
-Mark Twain
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made politicians.
-Mark Twain
Behind every successful politician is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-Groucho Marx
Every week the republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
-Andy Borowitz.
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
-Henry Cate VII
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-Groucho Marx
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
-Dave Barry
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.
-Anon
This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone but it’s gonna pass.
-Anon