If you’ve read my list of the ’25 funniest quotes of all time”, you’ll appreciate the next 50. While they didn’t quite make the list of 25, they are still pretty funny and will lift your spirits for today.
Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.
- Dorothy Parker
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By then, you’re off it.
-Jackie Gleason
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
-Will Rogers
The Consumer Report on the item will come out a week after you’ve make your purchase. Corrolaries: 1. the one you bought will be rated “unacceptable. 2. The one you almost bought will be rated “best buy”.
-Anon
The only person who likes change is a wet baby.
-Anon
The first one to see a traffic light turn green is the second car back.
-Dave Barry
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong – but that’s the way to bet.
-Damon Runyon
If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-Anon
If a person has anything to do with Harvard university or the state of Texas, he will find a way to make that known to you during the first 10 minutes of your first conversation.
-Anon
The older I get, the better I used to be.
-Will Rogers
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers
You work hard and you’re finally on Easy Street. Then you discover there’s no parking.
-Anon
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
-Will Rogers
It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
-June Henderson
Technology is like a steamroller. If you are not on the steamroller, then you are destined to become part of the road.
-Anon
We blame fate for other accidents, but we feel personally responsible when we make a hole in one.
George Burns
I don’t make jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
When you come to fork in the road, take it.
-Yogi Berra
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family – in another city.
-George Burns
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up somewhere else.
-Yogi Berra
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
-Bob Hope
You can observe a lot by looking.
-Yogi Berra
We’re born with two ears and one mouth. That ought to tell us something.
-Will Rogers
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-Theodore Roosevelt
Ideas are like children. Your own are always wonderful.
-Mark Twain
It’s so beautifully arranged on a plate, you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.
-Julia Child
-We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Yogi Berra
Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.
-Anon
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
-Fred Astaire
The United States Senate opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
-Will Rogers
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
-Will Rogers
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‘father.’
-Will Rogers
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
-Will Rogers
I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
-Mark Twain
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
-Mark Twain
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
-Mark Twain
I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
-Mark Twain
Don’t wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
-Anon
Mark Twain Most men die at 27 – we just bury them at 72.
-Mark Twain
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.
-Clarence Darrow
Politicians occasionally stumble over the truth, but hastily pick themselves up and hurry on as if if nothing had happened.
-Winston Churchill
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-Groucho Marx
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” -Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
-Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
-Groucho Marx
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-Yogi Berra
I never said most of the things I said.
-Yogi Berra
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
-Dave Barry